10-28-10 is CHISDAY!!!

Yeah that thing you called THURSDAY has changed its name to CHISDAY last October 28, 2010. From the name itself, it's obvious that it's all about us, CHIS. After 7 months (the longest time we've been apart), we finally met! YAY! I was kinda excited and nervous at the same time. Dunno why, but then I've managed to overcome them and replace it with cheerfulness and joy. I felt WOW and OMGosh when Chis cried when she saw me at the food court. I was really touched. She really did miss me that much. YAY again! Grabe until now I still feel so so so happy! I've been longing for that unexplainable feeling of joy, comfort, and love. And YAY again for we accomplished the photo booth plan in trinoma. HAHAA! At long last! ;D I even brought her in my sis small apartment just to make her taste our(sis and me) very own ref cake made of mamon instead of graham crackers. Then afterwards, we went to the very cool and awesome place called eastwood and watched the fountain dance and sway to the song Love Story. (Infairness ang taray and landi ng fountain) HAAAAAY! HEAVEN! :D Though she got scolded for coming home late, I hope she enjoyed my company as much as I did. :)

10-10-10

10-10-10

Sunday, 9:01 PM

In the end of the day, if you were to rate how your day was from 0-10, what would it be?

2 weeks ago, a close friend of mine said to me on face book that she will be coming home soon, and that if I'm not busy, we shall see each other together with the barkada. I was looking forward to that very day. Last night, I just got a text message from her saying that she's home. It so happened that the next will be his youngest brother's 6th birthday. This morning, she invited me over. I was actually thinking if I shall come, or not since it was very hot outside, and that I haven't had a very good sleep. I slept for about 2 hours. I woke up at 4:00 pm and I received another message from her. She said that the barkada is coming so I shall come, too. So I rushed to get there and there they were! :D It's like time is so fast! Last June, we just fetched her to the terminal and now, here she is, here we are, together again laughing our ass out. :)) Stories, secrets, revelations, FOOD, laughter and other spice. That's the ingredients of fun. I.. I feel so me again. I'm happy they're here again. :)

Just an hour ago, we were walking home in the streets of Tabaco. One said, "grash, gibuhan mo kaming animation paggurang ta ha! Ako ang bida!" We laughed. "another said, one day, may tigsararo naman kita ng kotse! dai na kita maralakaw! and one answered " urati niya tigsararo! dai ka lamang makatabang sa climate change!" hahaha! But what really made me smile is, despite all the things we are going through, how can we still be so enthusiastic about our future. It inspires me to do more and continue with life no matter how hard it is.

Friends, no matter how complex they seem to be, if you let yourself get caught in their complexity, you'll see who they really are, how much they care for you, for each other. It just shows. :) I'm in love with them.

F1: Grash may boyfriend ka na?

*everyone awaits for the answer*

Me: Ako? Haha! Wala, promise. :))

They looked skeptical. But me, what I really wanted to say is "guys, you are my boyfriend." :)

So how will I rate my day today? I'll give it a 10 regardless of the fact that today is 10-10-10. :)

YOU

Are you actually reading my blogs?

burning bridges

get the gas ready, and I shall set the bridge between us on fire.

:|

September 22, 2010

12:01 AM

I am feeling so lost now for an unknown reason. I have been like this these past few days and I don't know why. Nonetheless, it's taking so much of me. This is too much. I am hurting.

I dreamed of the reality?

I have met these friends of yours one by one. Each one of them game me a letter. I have forgotten what they were all about. But one thing's for sure, it all came from you. Then on the last part, I was holding another letter from you. It says that you're sorry coz you won't be staying long and that you're leaving. Then my heart started to pound so fast. There was you, waiting for me. I started to cry. I ran to you. I hugged you. I felt extreme sadness that it woke me up. I don't know why. Seeing you should make me feel happy. But why was I crying then? :|

Dreams are so weird that I can't help but search for messages that they convey.

heyhey

What I only need is companion. Physically present or not, as long as the essence of the presence is heartfelt, there's nothing more I would ask for. That would be enough reason for me to go on with my life...

THANK YOU LORD YOU NEVER LEFT ME ALONE.

and now I am still breathing the life you gave me. Thank you so much. :)

My Second House, but definitely not my second HOME.

Here are some pics of my room there in Ateneo Avenue, Naga City. This is where I confine myself. Go see for yourself. :)

P.S. If I die (knock on wood), this place will definitely become hunted.

"In any place that we go and in any thing that we touch, we leave a part of our selves, literally and figuratively."

When all you feel is happiness..

...all you see is a bright light coming from the smiles of the people dear to you, whether near of far. They never fail to shine for you. And with their shine, you let yourself shine too. That's what friends are. That's what true friendship is. That's what THEY are to me.

one-FOUR-four

I

HATE

ADNU

I really do. So MUCH.

I thought

Up to this very moment that I'm writing about this, my realization just won't sink in my mind, as well as in my heart. Since that very day that everything seemed to have slowed down like forever, I was subconsciously bearing a thought- more like a HOPE. A hope that when this race ends, everything will go back to the way they were. But no.. "Time and space doesn't exist. Only the combination of both."- A. Einstein. And we, we travel through this combination. So there's no turning back, no U turn. Only memories of what we've seen on our way as we move forward remains. And such a fool of us to be attached to these mere images our minds create. Then I'm one of US.

I keep on thinking everyday, every second, every breath I take that.. after I'm done with this 4-year struggle, we'll be together again. Close to each other again. Seeing each other again. Make noise like the old times. Shout and laugh and joke and cry. Then embrace each other in times of trouble. But no.. NOT. That cannot happen again. No more. We've got to continue moving forward in our own directions, destinations. Though we can be together again, but not like before. This idea, this very thought.. I just can't accept it.

But maybe, just maybe reminiscing the past is enough. Yet I must leave it behind and face the present. I'm at the present. And I'm heading to the future..with those memories.

(dedicated to HS friends)

The Truth

The truth still prevails and resurfaces no matter how many times you try to cover it up deep under anything you can put up on to it. TRUE. And the truth is I still bear this intense feeling wanting to be one of those proud blue eagles. Yes indeed, I am an Atenean. Still in a way I'm not satisfied of it. I want to be one of those people who wear the blue and white shirt with pride and honor- not just simply another person behind the tv witnessing what's going on. I wanna relate to those people whom I consider a genuine Atenean. Soaring high and proud. I wanna shput and beat my chest so hard to cheer for Ateneo. I even get chills when I see and hear all those guys cheering so loud and proud. It must feel so great to be part of them. I wonder how it feels to shout out loud there. To cheer. To belong and to relate with the enthusiasm of those people. To feel the love for a school.

Breaking DOWN

Monday, July 26

I tried to hold it all inside- To it cover with happy thoughts and enthusiasm. I thought I'd manage to keep it long enough for me to forget or rather get used to it. But today it all bottled up. It exploded. I tried to resist but I failed. Mixed emotions and dark thoughts rushed in my mind, and in a split second, it consumed my heart. Tears poured non-stop. It hurt not only my eyes, but as well as my heart. It burnt like fire, yet it was very cold and empty. For the nth time, I succumbed to my emotions. I broke down.

Unhealthy me

Seems like I've been vulnerable to colds since college started. I don't like this. Last June, at the first week of classes, I caught a cold. After 5 weeks, here I am again sniffing in the runny fluid in my nose. It's a sign that I'm getting unhealthy. It freakin'ly affects my body system from functioning esp my brain. I can't focus well in lessons and can't solve math problems immediately. It's like the mocus has coated the convolutions of my brain, thus clogging it affecting the flow and processing of information. :)))) :| And what I hate is that I ran out of tissue in just 2 days. :| Argh.

But anyways, that's just for today. I feel bad. Better get some sleep. :)

An unforgettable story of Lola BASYANG

Before I left Tabaco, I was already aware of the storm forming at the coasts of Pinas. But it didn't bother me much for I thought it won't pass Bicol (gosh that's so impossible).

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I woke up having the plans I made in my mind. I'll have my laptop fixed by friend, to have him remove this message that's been nagging me to activate it until I've fallen asleep. It was still sunny outside when I walked to school so I thought the weather was still FINE. Yet...at around 12 noon, I was informed by classmate that we are now at Signal no. 2 of the storm named Basyang. But still, classes went on in our school. Then, after our 3-hour class...Ateneo campus turned into Ateneo lake. :| It's raining so hard outside that it was almost impossible for us to transfer to the other building for the next class. So since there was NO announcement that classes are now suspended, we still rushed our way through the pools of water around the campus. It was like were in a maze, looking for a way out. And yeah I was still carrying my laptop, a backpack, an umbrella and wearing a freakin' black leather shoes. Struggle much. We were able to make it to the building and into the classroom. Victory!...NOT. Nobody but us were inside the room. Probably nobody dared to do what we did. We stayed there for almost an hour drying our feet, socks, and all. We waited until the rain fall calms down. But it never did. Haha! We've decided to go out of the second gate because the streets are fine there. No flood. But I and some of my friends live at Ateneo ave. / Ateneo River which is now flooded with foul filthy water. To decrease the risk of crossing that filthy water, we then look for a tricy or a padyak. But what the heck they all refused to give us a ride (ampota) kasi nga ateneo ave is flooded. Good thing Manong Kind-face-looking padyak driver passed by and agreed to take us home without hesitatons, without rants, tapos nakasmile pa. :D So there we went. The flood was about knee-level. Students at the main gate rushed and crossed the filthy water as our padyak passed by.

Then there, we reached HOUSE not HOME (on my part) and paid manong extra money. The I immediately took a shower and ate a hot noodle-soup. THE END.

P.S. Sorry for the abrupt ending, kasi this was supposedly posted last July pa kaso I wasn't able to finish it agad.

Fiasco

Yesterday was Monday, but i prefer to call it Fiasco (Disaster). And today is the extension of Fiasco. So why fiasco? Well, series of unfortunate events came by and it all started when my laptop broke down. Yes, freakin down. So here's what happened since yesterday.

Last Sunday night my bro-in-law borrowed my laptop, then he said it wouldn't start. So i felt all worried since all my important files are stored there. After my morning classes (Monday already), I rushed back to my boarding house and checked if my laptop really doesn't work. Then voila! It's all crapped out and I need to have it fixed immediately for my Photoshop exercises deadline who'd be the next day. Darn! So I went all around the avenue and one technician said I should have it reformated but hell no my files will be permanently deleted if so. Good thing my ENGS002 teacher dismissed us early enough for me to have pockets of time to roam around Naga City to look for computer shops offering computer services. So there I went, carrying with me a heavy laptop and a company of 6 people. Whooosh! I've been here and there and not one accepted my laptop. WHY? Is my laptop special edition?! I believe not. :| Obviously I was already BV as of the moment I found out my laptop broke and it has gotten even worse when the only one (I mean two) who can help were with me during the times I rushed in to every shop I see (literally speaking). We then conspired not to attend the 6-7:30 pm class and we went to my friend's place to fix my laptop. I felt quite relaxed as of that moment. Friend1 lend me his OS installer and Friend2 installed the new OS and recovered the files I needed. I finally felt relieved...NOT.

At around 8 pm we said our goodbyes to each other and went home. I excitedly turned on my laptop (of course my OS is Windows 7 naQ) and I then, found out that my laptop is running 2 OS na. And ang masaklap pa is, my original OS started working again! So there goes the dilemma. (p.s i hate having dilemmas) But in the end I still chose the original Os so that there would be no hassle in transferring files and the like. I then reformated the other drive which eventually removed the new OS installed. Yey problem solved!....NOT

After my computer has restarted, the a WGA appeared asking for my product key and I thought I have a genuine OS since i got this sticker stuck at the back of my laptop having the code, so I typed in the codes. But then the system refused to accept it and said that it is not compatible to the OS that I have! OhMyFreakingCow!!! >.<>

My day started with a problem and eventually ended to another one. It drainde all of me. Nakakpagod. :|

When we solve problems, we tend to create more of them. Life is really challenging :|

Overheard:

F1: "Kapag sasaludo dapat breasts out!"

F2: "Baka chest out!" :| *bursts into laughter*

Me: *silence* OMG!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I should have posted this last tuesday pa kaso there was a sudden black out sooo.....Fiasco!)

How was your first year? Mine was...

Things have never been good since the day college life dawned. Like any other incoming freshmen, I have had my own set of expectations of my new school and the new people I'm going to meet. I was actually very excited and proud to be called an ****ean. Considering that my school bears such a, let's say, GREAT name, I've set such high expectancy towards it. But things just don't happen the way you NEED and WANT them to be.

May 27-29, 2009- Orientation Seminar of Incoming Freshmen

This was the first time I've seen my new blockmates, the first time I've set foot on the Gymnasium, the first time I actually felt completely abandoned by my high hopes and dreams and expectations. Pure loneliness filled my heart before I suddenly realized I was alone all the time. (Alone- nobody was sitting on either sides of the chair I was sitting)

PARA AKONG BINAGSAKAN NG LANGIT AT LUPA.

I suddenly felt the urge to quit, to go away from the place, to escape, for i knew nothing good will happen in my stay there. NOTHING. The future has been predicted. My future suddenly became VAGUE.


************************************************
But then I thought maybe I should give it a try.
************************************************


So classes started.. And again, I've been turned down by my expectations regarding my classmates. I can't blame myself if I got used to being with extra smart but witty people for the past 10 school years of my life. Gaaah! And I can't blame myself for expecting so much from a school considered as ELITE by the name. HOW CAN SUCH SCHOOL ADMIT STUDENTS who can't even read continuously straight english, or even construct a grammatically correct SIMPLE sentence? HOW!? HOW CAN"T THEY ANALYZE a question that requires not the slightest effort to get the logic of it?

Days and months went by, everyday living has become monotonous..Monotonous in a way that there wasn't much activities being held and if ever there are, non of them gets my attention and interest- same as well with the things my teachers are trying to inject in my brain. NOTHING NEW. Some teachers, particularlly the PE teachers are requiring students to do this and that things that aren't related to the subject in equivalent to a 15 or 30 item quiz! It's just so clear that they all don't have the sweat to discuss and teach the students with the lessons needed. AIR-HEADED FOOLS. Worst is, they still have the guts to grade us with an INCOMPLETE grade for they don't really recognize the face (not even the name) of the students they're teaching!

As of the school facilities, they're not that convenient for the use of the students. From the gate all the way to the school buildings, the pavement full of craters (yeah i call it craters) and cracks that when it rains, small pools surround the university. Aside from that, during rainy days people can't walk in the school since both the street and the ateneo compound is filled with muddy water. Parang mini UST lang. All wifi connections in the buildings and laboratories are password secured. The 3-story library is like a gigantic oven that students barely drop by two use it's facilities. The school canteen sells tasteless solid rock breads and sandwiches and overpriced meals. Charging in the cafe costs Php200. Tables, walls and chair are filled with errotic vandals and gramatically wrong statements.Comfort rooms cleanliness is not maintained. Despite the costly tuition that we pay and the TFI, ONLINE PRE-ENLISTMENT, ENROLLMENT and ONLINE Grade Viewing system is dysfunctional for almost 4 semesters already. Yeah. and we pay for it every semester. Seems like something fishy is going on there.

Of all the other sister schools in the Philippines, we are the only one that has a school uniform. Well it's quite convenient in a way but the design just ain't convenient for us at all. All colleges in the university wears only one type of uniform. No differences, no distiction among others. Just plane lame uniform. Aside from that, we girls look like sales ladies in a drug store with the color cream as a blouse and navy blue slacks/skirts. :|

First day of classes in the school always start as Wednesday! Yes, so untimely.. And they even schedule it 2 weeks earlier that other universities. It's as if we're a trimestral university and it's just so completely ODD, LAME, STUPID and all the other nega adjectives I can think of.
TALO KO PA MGA HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.I really wished I should've enrolled in Bicol University instead. At least all the situations happening in that school are quite reasonable.

The mentioned rants above is what I carry everyday both in my heart and in my head. My soul has become frail. I don't believe what one or another says about that place. All I know, and I'm sure of is that, that place is the nothing worthy of appraisal, of anything good and awesome. The stories I've heard ain't true. They're all lies.

I've tried to tell all of these to my mom but she won't believe me. She still stands firm in her own belief of that place. And i can't alter it anymore. I was destined to stay in that place until the very last spark of my so-called hope dies. So unfortunate of me. So lonely. So sad.

I'll just have to wait, and wait, and wait.. or rather.. give up to my greatest dream that has now become a living nightmare. No light, no escape. Only darkness, only hatred.

How was your first year? Mine was...terrible.

Maybe you'd ask "Why won't look on the brighter side?"
Well tell me which is the bright part of that?

because..

there are only two options for me..

It's either to leave, let go, move on.. And be happy..

or

Stay..and pretend I know nothing.

for the sake of posting something of narrow importance..

a cloudy water can be as crystal clear when left undisturbed for a while. indeed. and now i see through you at last. i was able to read you. and now i understand what you're doin.

giving up your love for the sake of another is such a courageous act. but holding it back for the better of one takes so much of yourself.

Reciprocity cannot be attained if one feels obliged to fill the void. Simply the appreciation of what has been given, or the willingness of another to balance what's not balanced, is enough to warm the heart and paint a smile on ones' face.

But to me, the reason why one is doing this for me is a mystery kept in another mystery. Unknown. I'm curious of it. It's quite interesting to know. But i'd rather not at all. Who knows it might lock me again in that dark room, and now, it would be forever.

you love me

i get you..
you're happy when i'm happy.
and when i'm not, you cheer me up.
that's how you love. you love my happiness...not me.

LIFE LINE

My dreams, they’re changing. My desires, they’re falling. My life, it’s failing.

Today, I knew would not be a very very good day. And yet I failed to prepare for the battle between no one else but myself. I, myself is the- 1. Dreamer 2. Fickle-minded 3. Indecisive 4. Vulnerable 5. passionate

Our pre final examination was scheduled today, February 15, 2010 and today is our exam in mathematics. I wasn’t able to take it. Our family situation right now, especially in financial matters, is unstable. Since global economic crisis is up, my father’s departure was delayed for 3 months. And that span of delay really affected us especially that every month I am paying for my tuition fee, lodging fee and additional expenditure for my weekly allowance. Just this morning my father left for manila because his departure out of the country would be on 17. Thank goodness! But that wasn’t the case. We have no enough ready cash to pay for this month’s tuition fee. I failed to claim my test permit thus leaving me with no choice but to take a delayed exam. I find it so disheartening and I for God’s sake am sure that it is not of selfish reasons. This explains the definition of “myself”.

1. Dreamer- yes I am a dreamer who dreams so high. Who dreams of achieving a big goal! Who dreams of nothing but establishing her own name and prove her worth of it. I have chosen to study in AdNU because I want to be an animator, not just an ordinary one, but one who works on the biggest animation company, PIXAR. Without any hesitations, my family especially my parents gave all they’ve got to support me because they love me. And now because of that my family is struggling.

2. Fickle-minded- Because of my being a dreamer, reality unfolded and I have become vulnerable. I’ve thought of transferring to a more affordable. I wanted to lighten the weight my family is carrying by sacrificing my own dream. I can be successful in one way or another, I believe. But no, desires, dreams they change and when they do, they grow stronger that I can’t seem to hold them back. And then I would think again, I want to fulfill my dream. I want to study in my dream school (which is not where I am now). I want to make a name! I want to prove something!

3. Passionate- every once in a while, my passion changes. My passion for arts has changed to athletics. Yes, I want to traverse the path that I once traveled. I want to regain what I’ve lost. I want to share it with others. I want to use it to get to my goals without causing much trouble to my family. I want to struggle on my own and make my friends, family and school proud of who I am and what I can do.

4. Indecisive- I am not confident enough of my capabilities and my talents which make me indecisive of pursuing my new passion. There are ‘what ifs’ in life. One big decision could only lead to two outcomes- either success of your plans or a complete downfall of your dreams.

5. Vulnerable- I once thought I was a very strong person, one who can face whatever life is to throw on me. I stand corrected. I am weakling who pretends to be strong- who is completely dependent of everything, who can’t be happy on her own, one who is now in the verge of falling

I really don’t know what to do. Should I just let the passion die? Should I sacrifice the dream I once wanted and started to pursue? Should I look for opportunities and test my luck? Am I deserving of that dream school? Am I not good enough? Am I not intelligent enough? or am I just a pretentious person?

Uncovering the desire..

wala lang, just wanna let this hidden desire of mine OUT!
'coz it seems like my passion for sports is slowly..little by little..sparking again.. XD X

WAAAAAAAAH.

ok. i just wanna scream. coz right now. really, i'm desperately looking for ways to be able to play my current addiction- volleyball.
unfortunately, seems like the world is conspiring against me.

HAHAHAHA.

i would really really want to join the school's varsity team

BUT

considering the fact that the school DOES NOT offer any incentives or financial aid to the players of that sport makes my idea so futile. why would i play for the school if in the first place all that i will get is "PAGOD" lang. ang LAME ng school ko. it's so the opposite of the main school-whose volleyball players i greatlysalute. and everytime na i go to the covered courts, walang available na bola and space to play.

I just wanna run away from my school and...and...go to where i wanna be...and..join their team.

ARGH.

desires.desires.desires. my desires are all so lame. and i hate i can't do anything about it.

They always leave me so disappointed to myself. i always look back to what i've been doing back then- playing badminton/basketball and feel regretful for abandoning such thing during my high school days. i've realized that through them, I could have achieved my goals.

*especially my MAIN GOAL- to study in my dream school.*

Firefly

Lost in the wilderness
Of complete confusion and blur
Remain there was
The trail I took

Under the tree I wept
Wept as tears sparkled
Sparkled as it shimmered
A light at last glowed!

A fallen star it seems to be
Flying around and over me
Filling my void with peculiar glee
As my gentle hand cage it in

Darkness was dews wiped off the mirror
Mists turned clouds and away was blown
Fuzziness was a stone made crystal clear
Light was the antidote to the poison called Fear

Worried I was for I might crush it in
But fearful I was to set it free
For without light what would I be?
A woman named Sadness and weak?

With fallen tears, I let light be
Free as the stars, shining for thee
For the day will come, you’ll be back to me
And tomorrow will be forever and together we’ll be.

before i fell asleep

Suddenly my happiness became part of the monotonous flow of life. Its glee and glow made me no enthusiastic at all. Like a broken record, it repeats same lines over and over and over making the magic not so magical at all. Like a firecracker, it gives delight and color to the monochromatic sky for only a second.

Luckily, there was a star that i failed to notice all along.

Distant...far...yet never left the sky so that i'd still have something to look at when the show is over.

"I'll show you my game..."

LOL

though it may seem idiotic to some, i find my pic cute. HAHAHAHA

I was a bit ashamed to post this on my Tumblr account..

sooooo i posted it here. LOL

what a strange look.

anyway, follow me at grash.tumblr.com

CUTE X3