you love me

i get you..
you're happy when i'm happy.
and when i'm not, you cheer me up.
that's how you love. you love my happiness...not me.

LIFE LINE

My dreams, they’re changing. My desires, they’re falling. My life, it’s failing.

Today, I knew would not be a very very good day. And yet I failed to prepare for the battle between no one else but myself. I, myself is the- 1. Dreamer 2. Fickle-minded 3. Indecisive 4. Vulnerable 5. passionate

Our pre final examination was scheduled today, February 15, 2010 and today is our exam in mathematics. I wasn’t able to take it. Our family situation right now, especially in financial matters, is unstable. Since global economic crisis is up, my father’s departure was delayed for 3 months. And that span of delay really affected us especially that every month I am paying for my tuition fee, lodging fee and additional expenditure for my weekly allowance. Just this morning my father left for manila because his departure out of the country would be on 17. Thank goodness! But that wasn’t the case. We have no enough ready cash to pay for this month’s tuition fee. I failed to claim my test permit thus leaving me with no choice but to take a delayed exam. I find it so disheartening and I for God’s sake am sure that it is not of selfish reasons. This explains the definition of “myself”.

1. Dreamer- yes I am a dreamer who dreams so high. Who dreams of achieving a big goal! Who dreams of nothing but establishing her own name and prove her worth of it. I have chosen to study in AdNU because I want to be an animator, not just an ordinary one, but one who works on the biggest animation company, PIXAR. Without any hesitations, my family especially my parents gave all they’ve got to support me because they love me. And now because of that my family is struggling.

2. Fickle-minded- Because of my being a dreamer, reality unfolded and I have become vulnerable. I’ve thought of transferring to a more affordable. I wanted to lighten the weight my family is carrying by sacrificing my own dream. I can be successful in one way or another, I believe. But no, desires, dreams they change and when they do, they grow stronger that I can’t seem to hold them back. And then I would think again, I want to fulfill my dream. I want to study in my dream school (which is not where I am now). I want to make a name! I want to prove something!

3. Passionate- every once in a while, my passion changes. My passion for arts has changed to athletics. Yes, I want to traverse the path that I once traveled. I want to regain what I’ve lost. I want to share it with others. I want to use it to get to my goals without causing much trouble to my family. I want to struggle on my own and make my friends, family and school proud of who I am and what I can do.

4. Indecisive- I am not confident enough of my capabilities and my talents which make me indecisive of pursuing my new passion. There are ‘what ifs’ in life. One big decision could only lead to two outcomes- either success of your plans or a complete downfall of your dreams.

5. Vulnerable- I once thought I was a very strong person, one who can face whatever life is to throw on me. I stand corrected. I am weakling who pretends to be strong- who is completely dependent of everything, who can’t be happy on her own, one who is now in the verge of falling

I really don’t know what to do. Should I just let the passion die? Should I sacrifice the dream I once wanted and started to pursue? Should I look for opportunities and test my luck? Am I deserving of that dream school? Am I not good enough? Am I not intelligent enough? or am I just a pretentious person?

Uncovering the desire..

wala lang, just wanna let this hidden desire of mine OUT!
'coz it seems like my passion for sports is slowly..little by little..sparking again.. XD X

WAAAAAAAAH.

ok. i just wanna scream. coz right now. really, i'm desperately looking for ways to be able to play my current addiction- volleyball.
unfortunately, seems like the world is conspiring against me.

HAHAHAHA.

i would really really want to join the school's varsity team

BUT

considering the fact that the school DOES NOT offer any incentives or financial aid to the players of that sport makes my idea so futile. why would i play for the school if in the first place all that i will get is "PAGOD" lang. ang LAME ng school ko. it's so the opposite of the main school-whose volleyball players i greatlysalute. and everytime na i go to the covered courts, walang available na bola and space to play.

I just wanna run away from my school and...and...go to where i wanna be...and..join their team.

ARGH.

desires.desires.desires. my desires are all so lame. and i hate i can't do anything about it.

They always leave me so disappointed to myself. i always look back to what i've been doing back then- playing badminton/basketball and feel regretful for abandoning such thing during my high school days. i've realized that through them, I could have achieved my goals.

*especially my MAIN GOAL- to study in my dream school.*

Firefly

Lost in the wilderness
Of complete confusion and blur
Remain there was
The trail I took

Under the tree I wept
Wept as tears sparkled
Sparkled as it shimmered
A light at last glowed!

A fallen star it seems to be
Flying around and over me
Filling my void with peculiar glee
As my gentle hand cage it in

Darkness was dews wiped off the mirror
Mists turned clouds and away was blown
Fuzziness was a stone made crystal clear
Light was the antidote to the poison called Fear

Worried I was for I might crush it in
But fearful I was to set it free
For without light what would I be?
A woman named Sadness and weak?

With fallen tears, I let light be
Free as the stars, shining for thee
For the day will come, you’ll be back to me
And tomorrow will be forever and together we’ll be.